


clean

by signsofmybts



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Jos Verstappen's A+ Parenting, M/M, One Shot, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:08:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27802810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/signsofmybts/pseuds/signsofmybts
Summary: The drought was the very worstRain came pouring down when I was drowningThat's when I could finally breatheMax felt like he was drowning, he couldn’t breathe and didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t think clearly anymore. Daniel has been ignoring him since he left for Renault. He just can’t click with Pierre as he did with Daniel. And worse of all his dad. Daniel was always thereafter bad races making sure Jos couldn’t do anything to him. But now with Daniel gone Jos had free range again
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 1
Kudos: 57





	clean

**Author's Note:**

> this one-shot has been lightly based on the song clean by Taylor Swift so I advise you to listen to it while reading it.

''The drought was the very worst  
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning  
That's when I could finally breathe''

Max felt like he was drowning, he couldn’t breathe and didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t think clearly anymore. Daniel has been ignoring him since he left for Renault. He just can’t click with Pierre as he did with Daniel. And worse of all his dad. Daniel was always thereafter bad races making sure Jos couldn’t do anything to him. But now with Daniel gone Jos had free range again.   
And max for sure noticed this. The so-called ‘’wake up calls’’ became more frequent. After a bad training, when he didn’t do good enough in qualifying or when max couldn’t finish within the top 3 after a race. Max had to start wearing long sleeves and turtle necks again to cover the bruises blooming on his arms, wrists, and neck. Even when the weather was extremely hot max would wear his long sleeves. Of course, he knew that no one was buying his excuse that he was cold. But everyone let it slide.  
His happiness was slowly fading from max’s face, his face became dull and his blue eyes weren’t as bright as before. He only spoke when necessary and wasn’t joking around. 

Max ad got to the point of no return. He sat on the bathroom floor with a razor blade in his hand. He had been here before in his Toro Rosso. This wasn’t going smoothly for him back then, he made a lot of mistakes and the beatings of his dad became almost daily back then and max couldn’t see a way out back then like he can't see one now. That was when the cutting started, to gain control, to be the one to conflict with the pain, to be in control of the pain, to escape his own brain. This all changed of course when he got into Redbull and he met Daniel. Max was for sure Daniel had seen his scars but they never spoke about it.   
Daniel walked In on Jos having max pinned to the wall with 2 hands around this throat. Daniel never asked questions but he made sure max was saved. Made sure nothing could happen to Max. His mental health got better and max didn’t need the razor blades anymore. He was finally in control and had the feeling he could breathe again.

Not now. Max couldn’t breathe. He brought the razor blade to his wrist. Taking in a sharp breath and pushing the blade into his still. His mind became blank, the only thing he could focus on was the stinging pain of the blade in his skin. He dragged the razor blade across his wrist and making the first cut. Feeling in control finally. He controlled the pain that he was inflicting on himself, not his dad. He was causing the marks on his skin, not his dad, but most of all he was punishing himself for how big of a fucked up he was and not his dad. 

He pulled out the blade and made his next cut high on his on pain max wondered why Daniel left and why he was ignoring max. always turning around and walking away when max approached, never looking at max’s direction when they were near each other, never returning waves or smiles, and never congratulating max on a good result. 

Now with tears in his eyes, max switched the blade to his other hand and dragging it over his other wrist. Max was numb be couldn’t think any more couldn’t feel. He dragged the blade once more over his wrist before returning to his thighs, a place that was easy to hide. He made 3 more cuts before bopping the blade.

He looks at his wrists and his highs and sees the damage. Panic slightly kicking on once he noticed how deep some of the cuts were. He was so numb that they never noticed how deep he went. He started to panic and wanted to get up to get a towel but he couldn’t stand it anymore. The world became dizzy max couldn’t focus anymore. The last thing he thought about before passing out was ‘’ maybe it’s better this way’’

''The water-filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing  
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning  
That's when I could finally breathe''

Daniel had felt off all day. He didn’t know why but he just knew that something bad was about to happen. The day went on. His Friday was uneventful. The training went smoothly with him being in the top 10 for both sessions. He couldn’t say that for max though. His old teammate had a bad first session with getting 11th place, not happy with the setup, and a bad crash in the second session cutting his session short. Daniel was worried about his teammate. But Jos wouldn’t do anything, Max, right? Daniel had made an agreement with Jos that he would leave Redbull and leave max alone in return Jos wouldn’t lay a hand on max anymore.  
This was wishful thinking of Daniel. Daniel was sitting in his driver's room after debrief and his media duties. He still had this feeling he couldn’t shake off. Daniel hadn’t seen max around. Daniel started to think and it dawned upon him how much worse max had been looking lately. He had become skinnier, his skin was dull with huge bags under his eyes, the smile on his face was gone and his eyes weren’t shining anymore. The realization also hit Daniel that max was once again wearing long sleeves as if he was hiding something, just like he did in his Toro Rosso and early Redbull days.

Daniel his skin started to itch and he knew he had to check up on max, going against his agreement with Jos but at this point, Daniel knew for sure Jos also didn’t stick to his side of the agreement.

Daniel went to the Redbull hospitality first heading straight to max his room but he wasn’t there anymore. Daniel went to his personal trainer and asked if he could bring him to max his hotel. Michael didn’t question it and drove Daniel to max his hotel. He told Daniel that he should call when he wanted to leave.  
Daniel went up to the front desk and immediately got recognized by the girl at the reception. He asked her where max his room was telling her that he forgot some things at the track. The girl told him the room max was staying and gave him an extra card to get in.  
Daniel hurried to max his room and swiped the card to get into max his room. The room was quiet and Daniel didn’t like it one bit. He could see the things max had dumped on his bed indicting he was in his room. Daniel looked around but couldn’t see max anywhere. That was when his eyes landed on the bathroom door of max’s hotel room. Daniel went to the door and to his luck, it wasn’t locked.  
He turned the knob and opened the door. That’s was when he saw max. laying on the grown unconscious. The razor blade just meters away from where max lay. The cuts on his wrists and thighs clearly visible so was the blood on the floor. Daniel bopped to the floor checking for a pulse. He found max his pulse but it was very faint. With survival instincts kicking in Daniel dialed 112 and told them how he found max. they told him what to do and that they were on their way.  
Max was taken to the hospital and Daniel followed soon after in the car of Michael.

Max would wake up that same day after a blood transfusion with a worried sick Daniel beside him and Pierre, Lando, Alex, Charles, and Christian in the waiting room.

''Ten months sober, I must admit  
Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it  
Ten months older I won't give in  
Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it''

10 months as gone by since max got released from the hospital. 10 months of being clean. A lot of things have changed since then. The media got wind of what had happened with max and Redbull had gotten out with a statement. Telling what happened and announcing that max would drop out of the season to work on his own mental health. Pierre took his seat for the remainder of the season. Jos wasn’t allowed near max once the news got out. Max had told Daniel first what his dad has been doing. That same day both Daniel and Max went to Christian and max told him everything.  
Even though max wasn’t driving anymore he still was found in the paddock during the race weekends. Wanting to be there for his friend and the team. Max worked with a therapist that had clicked with him. She would come with him to the races and they slowly worked through max his problems. She had taught him a lot, max knew she still had a long way to go but he felt better than he had ever felt before. 

And the final change in max his life that he and Daniel started dating 5 months after he was released from the hospital. They were taking it slowly and only their teams, a close friend and certain family members knew about this. Daniel had moved in with max shortly after they started dating. And can safely say that he can finally breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like the small angsty one-shot. I was in the mood to write some angst so here it is. please know I am still new to writing and English isn't my first language. please give it a kudo if you liked it and a comment is always welcome.  
> a quick reminder that it is okay to not be okay and that it is okay to take a mental health day if you needed. lots of love


End file.
